Old patterns came rushing back. I felt the spiral coming and this time I could feel it. I could almost see it out in front of me. I chose to look away pretend it wasn’t there but it seemed to get closer and closer waiting for me to open my eyes to look straight at it. And as I looked, I saw the triggered so blankly I couldn’t ignore it.
I had a choice to make. 1. Act like I never saw it and continue to behave through my triggered part or 2. Acknowledge the trigger, why it’s there, and nourish myself through it. Number 1 would have been the same pattern and story I have played to many times to count in my life. Thus, it’s so well known it would have been easy to stay there. But because I was able to see who was hiding behind the trigger I chose to love and nourish myself through it.
Abandonment showed it’s face and the little girl in me felt scared, hurt, unloved and wanted to push everyone away so she could hide and see who would come to her rescue. My husband was leaving for 3 weeks and this part of me freaked out. It was as if I had a neon sign blinking within, “ABANDONED”. My little girl within me wanted to take over. Play her games and make life miserable for everyone around to cover up this fear and feeling. Even with all the work I have done there are still parts within that can get triggered and jump to old patterns and games. I don’t judge that they are there and still getting triggered, but I gauge my growth with how quick I can recognise them and come back into alignment.
So, I got to work. I spent some time loving and nourishing the inner girl that was freaking out. Yes, I had a conversation with her. I also liberated the abandonment emotion that was clinching in my stomach using my breath and some movement. With these steps I was able to fully embrace what was occurring within. Not to try to get rid of it but to acknowledge it’s there, love it and integrate it.
Triggers will happen but the more I have integrated past events and pains the less they come. But each time I experience being triggered I see it as an opportunity to learn, grow and integrate something that is ready to be healed.
